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RT @pants: happy 4th of july https://t.co/3nSL1mMJVr -
RT @dlicj: just took my garbages out to the road. hopefully it’s enough for them this time and the garbage men aren’t banging… https://t.co/BPS6Qq2xzr
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RT @prawn_meat: a jurassic park scenario is every dinosaur park owner's worst nightmare
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RT @Trillburne: COMMANDANT: any last words, you piece of shit? ME: yes, I just want to apologize if referring to this as a "firing… https://t.co/PazVPdeWXO
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RT @Merman_Melville: In any relationship it’s important to figure out which one of you is the King of the Monsters
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RT @nickusen: (film critic after watching a movie that features some neon lighting) this movie is absolutely nuts, like an acid… https://t.co/UDqd0v6zDj
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hello 911 a millennial wrote my astronomy textbook https://t.co/L98XWeMgd9
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RT @futurevictim: property management company: thanks for submitting a repair ticket. we'll have someone call you in 1-12 weeks me: a… https://t.co/U7E6TQzJG0
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RT @BrandyLJensen: “oh you think criminals who have *killed people* should be able to vote?” i get the objection and i’m not happy abo… https://t.co/b6rRFASUfr
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RT @1followernodad: Can’t get into horror films. Rooting for wealthy white homeowners to live? Couldn’t be me.
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RT @normal_now: Losing weight is really easy you just stop eating food. As well, my defintion of "easy" is when something is reall… https://t.co/OXuo2cyLse
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My flight attendant just came up to me, shook my hand & said “it’s an honor to have you on this flight. I know who… https://t.co/0z8IpbQtGr
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RT @painted_eel: [giving eulogy at a seagull funeral] he fuckin loved garbage
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RT @70Ceeks: *son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar* Mom: How was school? Son: ok Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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[during the last eight minutes of my podcast when we’re naming our social media accounts you wouldn’t want to follo… https://t.co/jkBgWvRskV
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RT @marrowing: looking for input on what it's like to be a serf. have you ever thought about just leaving? what are manorial lords… https://t.co/yCsQ1UaAVi
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RT @BrandyLJensen: evolutionary psychology is astrology for incels
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RT @Kappa_Kappa: magician: are you ready for some magic me: hell yea i am magician: [turns a handkerchief into a bird] me: ok thi… https://t.co/Iqijtxoo1X
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RT @davedittell: if u watch me go to Starbucks backwards I suck urine into my dick from the floor, apply a beard w a razor & moonwalk out w/o buying anything
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her: ever had a threesome? me: [remembering the time i made my safe word “beetlejuice”] let’s talk about something else
